Open Letters to Washington

Dear Congress and President Trump,

I thought I would take a few moments and write to you while I am waiting for my jailer(editor) to show up. You see I wanted to apologize to you there in Washington about our Senator John McCain and why he was one of a handful of Republican senators that destroyed your dreams about repealing Obama care. You see, it actually might be Canada’s fault, or more specifically those Canadians who hail from the City of Edmonton. But before I get into that it‘s important for you to understand something about the culture here in Arizona.

You see no one is actually “from” Arizona as you will undoubtedly learn when you talk to people who live here. Hell I was born and reared here and I’m not even from Arizona. This “no one” from Arizona policy has created a sort of social schizophrenia. In fact because everyone who lives here comes from somewhere else the first thing that is done away with are silly and arbitrary things like identity, heritage and culture. To compensate, we just look at those around us to get an idea about who we are as a person. This is all fine and dandy but you see, this is the time of year when the entire city of Edmonton closes down and relocates their entire population to North Scottsdale. Because of this annual Canadian invasion and because there are so many of them, we here in Arizona get confused and start to believe we’re ALSO Canadian. This would also include our beloved Senator McCain and why he sometimes votes the way he does as he believes firmly in a socialized healthcare policy as they have in Canada.

Now, I know you as Republicans may find this hard to understand and that other Republicans in other states are much more sophisticated because they drink sophisticated things like Grey Goose Martinis with little curly lemon rinds or single malt scotch. Our Republicans drink Bud Light. This of course is also the reason we Republicans booed the Dallas Cowboys last night when they took a knee for the national anthem then suddenly realized the anthem was not actually on. You see Republicans and the NFL are long time chums here and this is evidenced by every can of bud light being graciously adorned with our home teams NFL logo which is, a bird. This bird is very useful for Republicans to identify which beverage to consume…especially after the 12th one when the letters printed on the can become meaningless.

None of those reasons matter as we Republicans here in AZ got rid of things like reasons long ago. (That’s how we manage to live here in July) I just thought I would point a few of these cultural differences out to you so you understand us here in AZ better.

Yours truly.

(Oh, and I’m not really a Republican)

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